Friday, November 20, 2009

End of Semester Rant

Beloved students,

I've been having a fabulous time prying your brains open and pouring in my brilliant professorly thoughts. However.

I'm tired and ready for the holidays and I don't need a bunch of bull stinky, okay? So along with the list of what you should submit in these last few classes, here is a list of what you should not bring to class with you:
  • A snotty, know-it-all attitude. Yes, you must do the peer review. Because I said so. Because you need someone to tell you that your citations are completely wrong before I see them and give your paper to my coughing, runny-nose child to play with because I'm so annoyed. Because maybe if you learn to edit someone else's paper you'll accidentally learn to edit your own. Because you are supposed to be contributing to the community of learners, even if your own is perfect, which it isn't. And because I said so. And I'm the one with three degrees. You're the one with no degrees and some credit hours. No, wait--you don't even have credit hours until the end of the semester.
  • A request to let you--and you only--resubmit an assignment or take another crack at something that you already had two chances to do. There is a built-in system for that. It's called revision and it's outlined in the syllabus. Sorry you forgot. I'm very busy, too. So I'm going to forget that you made this request.
  • An annoying question that doesn't deserve an answer. Do you have to turn that in? Yes. Why do I want to see it? To be sure that you did it. Actually, I'm marking your progress, but you don't deserve that answer. What am I going to do with it? Well, I'll be throwing yours in the trash. Ha, ha. Sorry, was that audible sigh also a question?
  • An assignment in which you say that all of your classes are pointless and useless in helping you prepare for a career. Did you look up the definition of a liberal arts education before you arrived, deary? Do you know we're doing here? I don't care enough to explain that to you, but you really should find out. And you should do it before, as some time-worn Southern women have been known to say, someone sees you rolling your eyes and snatches you bald headed.
  • Your relative. Actually, going to my sister's teacher to ask about her progress and what she needs to do to pass the class is actually something I would do. But it's inappropriate. Loving, but waaaaay inappropriate.

Can't wait to see you all next week!