What the what?: Questions from grading jail

• How can I take some project and pimp it out for the next couple of decades like Candace Bushnell?
• How can I tell if non-traditional students are serious when they claim that they are "Just really confused" about citation methods and "don't understand" the problem with taking 90% of an article, plopping it in your essay without quotations marks, and inserting totally different names in the parentheticals?
• How can I explain to publishers that my book project is actually much better than Lil' Wayne's ex-wife's book (oh, wait--she's so much more than his ex-wife; now she's an authoress)?
• How can I get all of my besties to move to my city since now one good friend is applying for a position at my institution?
• How can I get a CT scan of Henry Louis Gates' head to see what's wrong with him for suggesting that American slavery (and Jim Crow too, I guess) is everybody's fault and nobody's fault?
• How can I keep from killing the lovely herbs that I've just discovered in my new backyard?