The American Teenager

I know that I complain a lot about television on this blog and I hate that, but I have to do it again. Before I do, however, I would like to say that there are many things I love about TV such as how it's always available; at times there are some incredible programs presented and stories told such as those on Heroes, House, and True Blood; and it provides good lessons if you are open to seeing them. Sometimes, however, those lessons are not good and that's what I want to complain about now.

I have watched several episodes of The Secret Life of the American Teenager on ABC Family. I must applaud the network for actually creating a series with actors and writers and plot lines rather than just phoning it in with a reality show. The problem that I have with the show is that these characters are so self-important. I know they are teenagers and maybe I haven't been around many teenagers since I was one, but are they really like this or does the series exaggerate the truth for drama? (Please tell me it's the latter.)

There's this one character, Grace, who is a Christian. She decides to break her commitment to abstinence one night after fighting with her father. To prove (to him) that she's an adult, she has sex with her boyfriend (a sure sign that she is not an adult if you ask me). Then her father dies in a plane crash and she declares that she is responsible because she had sex. Really? I know she is grieving and grief makes you think unclearly at times, but I was so irritated by her. Fifty people come in to tell her that she is not responsible yet she keeps insisting she is. If she didn't feel the world revolved around her she would realize that even if God were punishing her, God probably wouldn't punish everyone else with her father's death.

That's just one example. Both of the teen aged parents on the show keep harping about how they are grown now that they have a baby. No, you're just children who have a baby. When Amy, the teen mother, goes into labor, she fusses about how she is in pain and she should be given special consideration because she is 15. It seems that she feels that her early pregnancy and motherhood somehow sets her apart in a special way.

Maybe the show is trying to criticize this kind of self-centeredness by making it so pervasive and annoying that no one can take them seriously.

My biggest problem with this show, however, is the way the adults indulge the self-important teenagers. They talk to these kids about their sex lives and their romantic entanglements like the teenagers are their best friends. Not only is it odd that people of such varying ages should be able to identify with one another, but also it is irresponsible and unrealistic that parents would burden their children and children's friends with their own personal problems. Amy's dad, for instance, fails to get a vasectomy and confides this info to Grace along with the worry that his ex-wife's pregnancy is indeed his doing. What? This bizarre relationship between adults and teenagers is doubly disturbing because it lends itself to the teenagers getting the parents told! They consistently put the parents in check and act as if they have the right to do so. What kind of message is that to send? Not to sound like an old codger, but back in my day, kids were lectured by the parents, not the other way around. And the world was better for it.

This show does periodically punctuate its scenes with psa's about teen sex and the need for more communication about it between parent and child, but the good message it tries to send is obscured, to me, by the more prominent message of encouraged teen self-importance.

MTV Finally Got It Right

I have gone against my principles and started watching 16 and Pregnant and today I even auto tuned my TV to view "Life after Labor", the reunion show. I'm glad this show exists because it puts a more realistic, less romanticized view of parenthood before teenagers. Maybe it will help prevent unwanted pregnancies before they happen (an effort I don't believe we are realistically actively engaged in as a nation).

Part of the realism is the toll pregnancy and parenthood takes on one's relationship. I remember thinking as a teenager how wonderful it would be to marry my then-boyfriend and have a baby. That was foolish; it would be awful and hard and considering the fact that I didn't marry my then-boyfriend (we actually broke up before dating a year), lonely and heartbreaking. Those issues come out on the show.

In a more trivial, but still real instance, one of the young moms-to-be was trying to decide when to take her senior pictures and her mother told her she would be all puffy after the birth. The girl said she didn't plan to be puffy. Because she didn't know; in the romantic version of pregnancy (even for non-teenagers), you're beautiful and glow-ey as a pregnant woman/new mom. Yeah, but in real life, that ain't true and she was puffy. So, the show is good in revealing some of the truth about pregnancy.

I know you have discussed these issues before, SM, but I was so moved by one of the hard truths demonstrated in the series through the story of Catelynn that I had to write about it as well. Her story broke my heart. She and her boyfriend made the heart wrenching decision to give their baby up for adoption. It was an incredibly mature and--as they said 12,000 times in the reunion show--brave decision to make. I cried as I watched those kids give up their baby. In the abstract you think, this will be a good thing because they can go on with their lives and the baby will be happy and etcetera etcetera. But watching Catelynn go through the birth and her boyfriend sob afterward because he had to hand over his daughter to virtually strangers, you recognize that there are no easy choices in this situation. I was especially moved by this story, in part because I put myself and our Popcorn in their place and it was unbearable. My heart goes out to Catelynn and anyone who makes the difficult choice to give a baby up for adoption.

Having a baby is more than a notion, man. . . .

Birth Control

By now, it must be clear that I love television. Add a compelling real-life story, and I'm hooked. The latest thing that's got me on the line is MTV's "Sixteen and Pregnant." I'm interested in part because I had such wonderful and fascinating birth experiences. I'm also interested because I will have teenagers, and before I know it, according to the older parents I know. I'm learning a lot about how they think. Most of it is less than encouraging. But I'm still enthralled by the drama.

I heard once of a mother who decided that she would not allow her teenage daughter to have pain management drugs during labor; this was her version of birth control. At the time, I thought it was creative and brilliant. Certainly a horribly painful "natural" birth would remind this girl to use a condom next time, right? Now, having had two unmedicated deliveries, I can say that the pain is something of a "blocker" when it comes to making more babies. I loved my birth experiences, but man, it slows me down when I think about having more children. As I was going to the MTV website to look for follow-up info on the families (yes, I realize that this is ridiculous, but it's the summer and I like my fluffy guilty pleasures--let me be!), I started to wonder if teenage viewers would see the couples on the show as celebrities, complete with a sweet-smelling mini-me. Only one of the featured teens has offered her baby for adoption, so perhaps it seems easy to raise a child.

The show does highlight the very difficult issues of teen parenthood. Securing housing and employment, lack of social life, lack of sleep, broken relationships, stunted education, and an altered body are part of the story. But the constant day-to-day of parenthood, especially when you don't have resources, could easily be lost on a viewership not known for looking beyond on the nose on their faces. I'm constantly reminded in my own life that trying to raise a child and be the kind of parent I want to be would really suck if I had only sixteen years of life experience and wasn't even prepared to take care of myself. I hope that being "Sixteen and Pregnant" doesn't make it look like too much fun.

Plans

They say the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. And then there's that saying that man plans and God laughs. And life is like that. We make all of these plans--go to college, get a good job, get married to a great guy, have two, maybe three perfect and beautiful children, great friends, buy a lovely house in a good neighborhood and prepare for happiness and good times to ensue. Sure you expect the occasional hiccup, but nothing that you really can't handle because you have made plans and you are following the steps to achieve them. But it doesn't always work out like that.

I sympathize with your situation, SM. You have made plans to go to work, to do the best for your students, and then someone comes along and tells you that those plans don't matter. What can you do?

I sympathize with your situation because my own plans have been thwarted. The news that I had earlier was a second pregnancy. I won't talk about how I had planned to have the first baby and be a happy mother taking care of her 3-month-old son right now. That's not how life worked out. So, I adjusted and created new plans. I had planned to be pregnant right now, reveling in my sizeable baby bump. I was so looking forward to wearing all of my new maternity clothes. I had planned to be checking into daycare centers for the fall about now. I had also anticipated going to my baby shower in March and glowing as I got to open diaper genies and boxes of Huggies. Alas, that is not the way life has worked out for me. My baby came much sooner than we had planned. Thankfully, she is still with us, but we are now faced with emotional and physical difficulties for which we never could have planned.

Now, I am learning not to plan. I am trying to "keep it in the now" as George says in Mama Day. I don't anticipate what will happen tomorrow because there is absolutely no telling. Who knows? Maybe I will still get to have that baby shower, but it is not something that I am planning to attend. If it happens, it will happen. If it doesn't, I would not have dreamed about it or anticipated it or even thought about what it might be like. And this is the way that I am approaching each aspect of my tiny baby's life right now as well as my own. Maybe this is not the best way to live, but it is a good way to survive.

I know this post seems a little nihilistic and I don't mean to be this way because I have things to be optimistic about, but sometimes, my disappointment about my pregnancies takes over. And now, considering your wrongful firing, the pessimism prevails. Maybe tomorrow might bring happier times.

Tru Dat

TD, I second your emotions on all of your last few posts. The DNC was exciting, but exhausting. Whatever happens now, I'm so glad I lived to see a major party nominate a minority person to run. I really didn't think it would happen in my lifetime. I had only hoped that my children would be a witness. Instead, I got to answer my daughter when she saw Obama on TV and asked, "Who's that, Mommy?" I was so thrilled to say, "He might be the President."

I, too, was trying to back off of Palin and her daughter and babies and whatnot. But the sheer absurdity has me shaking my head. I mean, seriously? Seriously? Are we really going to pretend that the Republican campaign for President isn't complete nonsense? That teenage sex and ill-advised pregnancies are only a "family matter" for people who have made it a major issue? Seriously?

I'm sorry that the Palin family has so much to deal with right now. But I don't feel any more sad for them than I do for families with one parent instead of two (whatever the reason for it) and two jobs instead of one; families who can hardly afford to feed, clothe, and house their 5 children and who have one more on the way (whatever the reason); families who are likely to have inadequate or non-existent health insurance, on which the grandchild will probably not be covered. The take-away message here, I think, comes back to resources, just as it usually does. If you have them, you can afford to make some mistakes, and your cohorts will tell you that it's not all about your morals. If you don't have resources, then your (lack of) morals is the only thing that defines you and you deserve what you get.

There's never any shame in having a baby, so I don't have a judgment about that, but some people should probably watch out for shattering glass and flying rocks. On that same vein, people who thought that Katrina was God's judgment for sin in New Orleans might want to consider what it means that Gustav blows in just as the RNC is trying to happen . . . .

Spin City

I had decided that I would not comment on Gov. Sarah Palin's pregnant daughter because although I have been following the news and blog coverage of it intensely, I wasn't sure I wanted to add to it. But here's the thing: the spin is making me sick. This teenage girl has gotten pregnant outside of marriage and the Republican talking heads are saying that this is a private matter and Palin is demonstrating that she is a strong woman to deal with this. Palin also said in her press release that she is proud of her daughter.

What? Why is it okay for her to use her oldest son's status as a soldier about to go to Iraq and her youngest son's condition as a baby with Down's Syndrome for her political benefit, but it is not okay to discuss her daughter's pregnancy? Especially when she advocates for Abstinence-Only sex education. I think that Palin makes this private, family matter an issue that we can discuss because it speaks to the effectiveness of her choices. We don't know what's going on behind people's closed doors, but we can assume that she taught and advocated abstinence to her children. Now, we see that that message didn't take and that perhaps teaching Abstinence-only is not the best way to prevent our children from unwanted pregnancies and disease.

It would be interesting to see if her attitude about this type of sex education will change. It probably won't, however. (I heard one talking head say that her daughter's pregnancy shores up even more the need for Abstinence-only. What?!?) It is disturbing to me when people are so absolute in their judgments. As if everything is either black or white without any shades of gray. I believe in abstinence. I'm not one of those people who say that young people (or grown people for that matter) can't be abstinent; I've seen a commitment to abstinence work in several people. But I also know that everyone is not going to make that commitment or once made, not going to uphold it. That doesn't make them moral-less heathens worthy of any disease that finds its way into their bodies. Abstinence education should be taught and taught fully, but contraception and reproductive health should also be taught. Social conservatives too often fail to temper their judgment with mercy. Unless it is one of their own.

Which brings me back to spin. When J'la-quesha in Southwest Atlanta gets pregnant at 17, she is demonized, posited as a poor example of judgment and morals, and somehow deserving of the hardships that she will encounter. But here we have Bristol in Anchorage, Alaska, 17, pregnant and her situation is painted as a warm moment--an admittedly difficult situation, but one that the family can find some pride in and that allows the family to demonstrate some strong family values. This application of a double standard is not what Jesus would do.

The spin is enough to land you on your head. And it's not over. You know I am going to be watching The View tomorrow to hear Elisabeth regurgitate what she heard over the weekend. But she won't be the only one and this Babygate won't be the only thing spun. It's just enough to make a body tired.