Feelings, whoa, whoa, whoa

TD, you know my motto is, "Feel how you feel." We can't wallow for long in the viccitudes of life, but sometimes giving in to the "blah" is the only way to keep breathing air. That's how I felt on Friday; I just decided that trying to be professional didn't preserve my job and being cordial didn't make the circumstance better for me. So, I was kind of pissy. I almost didn't shake the woman's hand at the end of the debacle. Whatever. So, sister, if today you need to fall face down in a bowl of ice cream, do it. If you need to scream about how unfair life is, have at it, because it is unfair. When tomorrow comes, do what you need to do then, too. And while life has beat some of the optimism out of me, I do believe that each day we have what we need to get through that day. Tomorrow we may need something else, but for today, we have enough mustard seed hope, enough tiny sparks of joy, enough focus and strength of character to keep us off the floor.

But, doggone it, we ain't got to like it!

My firstborn came in my second pregnancy, too, and even though I told you not to get excited, you did. So I'm excited for you. And, I will do for you what you did for me: while you can't plan or wait, I'll anticipate your shower, I'll buy the cute outfits, and I'll gather lots of toys to pass down to you (and to declutter my house, but that's just a bonus). From my vantage point, what does it matter? Whatever is going to happen won't be changed because my heart got happy. Plus, I need something to be happy about--what else do I have to do? That's where I am today. I don't know how my job situation will resolve itself, but I'm trying to be open. Of course, the other side of the truth is that I had planned to write a post on how many people have told me that they've "never seen the righteous forsaken," to which I always want to respond, "What if I'm not righteous? And what does forsaken look like?" Nevertheless, I'm hanging onto survival.

Here's the thought for the day: "If you're going through hell, just keep on walking. You might get out before the devil even knows you're there." If this isn't a country music moment, I don't know what is.

Plans

They say the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. And then there's that saying that man plans and God laughs. And life is like that. We make all of these plans--go to college, get a good job, get married to a great guy, have two, maybe three perfect and beautiful children, great friends, buy a lovely house in a good neighborhood and prepare for happiness and good times to ensue. Sure you expect the occasional hiccup, but nothing that you really can't handle because you have made plans and you are following the steps to achieve them. But it doesn't always work out like that.

I sympathize with your situation, SM. You have made plans to go to work, to do the best for your students, and then someone comes along and tells you that those plans don't matter. What can you do?

I sympathize with your situation because my own plans have been thwarted. The news that I had earlier was a second pregnancy. I won't talk about how I had planned to have the first baby and be a happy mother taking care of her 3-month-old son right now. That's not how life worked out. So, I adjusted and created new plans. I had planned to be pregnant right now, reveling in my sizeable baby bump. I was so looking forward to wearing all of my new maternity clothes. I had planned to be checking into daycare centers for the fall about now. I had also anticipated going to my baby shower in March and glowing as I got to open diaper genies and boxes of Huggies. Alas, that is not the way life has worked out for me. My baby came much sooner than we had planned. Thankfully, she is still with us, but we are now faced with emotional and physical difficulties for which we never could have planned.

Now, I am learning not to plan. I am trying to "keep it in the now" as George says in Mama Day. I don't anticipate what will happen tomorrow because there is absolutely no telling. Who knows? Maybe I will still get to have that baby shower, but it is not something that I am planning to attend. If it happens, it will happen. If it doesn't, I would not have dreamed about it or anticipated it or even thought about what it might be like. And this is the way that I am approaching each aspect of my tiny baby's life right now as well as my own. Maybe this is not the best way to live, but it is a good way to survive.

I know this post seems a little nihilistic and I don't mean to be this way because I have things to be optimistic about, but sometimes, my disappointment about my pregnancies takes over. And now, considering your wrongful firing, the pessimism prevails. Maybe tomorrow might bring happier times.