Preparing for Valentine's Day

You know how people say, "Everyday should be Valentine's Day"? My husband had planned a grand gesture for Friday. He wanted to surprise me with a flower delivery at my office. It was a beautifully thoughtful idea, especially since getting flowers at work was one of the items on my list of Things I Want to Experience that I started when I turned 30 (you know, last year). He was also planning to bring a Valentine's Day treat to our daughter at school. Isn't that sweet? Of course, I guess it sucks to be a boy in this family because there are no such grand plans for either of them. Anyway, it's a non-issue since I no longer have an office or work or anyplace to be on Friday . . . I think. His plans illustrate why Valentine's Day isn't everyday.

What would it be like if every day you awoke to find some enormous demonstration of affection? I can imagine warm bubble baths and elaborate dinners at elegant restaurants. I could have Godiva Chocolates for breakfast! Spend hours at the spa with the weekly gift cards that show up in my name! Of course, I'd need those towels they give you because none of us would have clean clothes; when would the laundry get done? And how would I administer time outs from the bathtub? Most days, I'd rather have dear husband loading the dishwasher than out buying something pretty for me. It's the "life" that fills our days that make those grand gestures so, well, grand.

Who has time or energy to think about, plan, and execute romance on a daily basis? If we're talking about more than once a year, that's one thing. But the "Valentine's is every day" people are fooling themselves. Those dozen roses have to be watered, after all. I already have plenty to do.

Plans

They say the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. And then there's that saying that man plans and God laughs. And life is like that. We make all of these plans--go to college, get a good job, get married to a great guy, have two, maybe three perfect and beautiful children, great friends, buy a lovely house in a good neighborhood and prepare for happiness and good times to ensue. Sure you expect the occasional hiccup, but nothing that you really can't handle because you have made plans and you are following the steps to achieve them. But it doesn't always work out like that.

I sympathize with your situation, SM. You have made plans to go to work, to do the best for your students, and then someone comes along and tells you that those plans don't matter. What can you do?

I sympathize with your situation because my own plans have been thwarted. The news that I had earlier was a second pregnancy. I won't talk about how I had planned to have the first baby and be a happy mother taking care of her 3-month-old son right now. That's not how life worked out. So, I adjusted and created new plans. I had planned to be pregnant right now, reveling in my sizeable baby bump. I was so looking forward to wearing all of my new maternity clothes. I had planned to be checking into daycare centers for the fall about now. I had also anticipated going to my baby shower in March and glowing as I got to open diaper genies and boxes of Huggies. Alas, that is not the way life has worked out for me. My baby came much sooner than we had planned. Thankfully, she is still with us, but we are now faced with emotional and physical difficulties for which we never could have planned.

Now, I am learning not to plan. I am trying to "keep it in the now" as George says in Mama Day. I don't anticipate what will happen tomorrow because there is absolutely no telling. Who knows? Maybe I will still get to have that baby shower, but it is not something that I am planning to attend. If it happens, it will happen. If it doesn't, I would not have dreamed about it or anticipated it or even thought about what it might be like. And this is the way that I am approaching each aspect of my tiny baby's life right now as well as my own. Maybe this is not the best way to live, but it is a good way to survive.

I know this post seems a little nihilistic and I don't mean to be this way because I have things to be optimistic about, but sometimes, my disappointment about my pregnancies takes over. And now, considering your wrongful firing, the pessimism prevails. Maybe tomorrow might bring happier times.

Ready, Aim, Fired

Shock and awe. Boy was I wrong to feel calm about today. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. And the most special part is that a HUGE chunk of my department, people I care about and respect, are now out of work in the middle of an academic semester. I'm not too in favor of not having a job myself, either. We just didn't see this catastrophe coming.

This sucks.

"We don't show our bottoms to people"

One of the new lessons in our house is that we don't show our bottoms to people. Privacy issues and public display were becoming too loose. Now this gets sketchy when my three year barges into the bathroom while I'm in the shower; then she reminds me of the rule. I don't know how to explain that if YOU walk in on ME through a closed door, you can't then fuss at me for showing my bottom. But this isn't actally my point right now. It's this "bikini girl" on American Idol and how she is getting on my last good nerve. It began with her audition, in which she responded to criticism from the new judge, Kara, by criticizing the judge's correction. This reminds me of students who just have to tell me how fabulous their writing is and how misguided my feedback is, even though I have three degrees and they have some credit hours. First, can we have an ounce of humility here? You showed up to be judged. Why are you complaining and getting defensive when people judge you?

Oh, did I forget to mention that the reason this girl is being identified as "bikini girl" instead of her name is that she auditioned in a bikini?

Yes, the girl can sing, and she's cute enough, but she's middle-of-the-road good. In other owrds, don't write checks that your "bottom" can't cash. On this week's show, she said that Kara must have felt "insecure" because she got up from the judge's table to show her what the song should sound like. Chick, why would a woman with credentials like hers feel insecure around you? She's had a lucrative career--you're just naked.

Secondly, if you need to get (practically) naked, then even you don't believe your voice is exceptional.

Women who consciously and purposely use their bodies to upgrade their skills is damaging to women in general. If you want to use your body to advance yourself, fine; be a shoe model (read: stripper) I don't have (many) judgements about that. But if you have other skills that you want to use in an appropriate industry, rely on those skills. There's a fairness issue here, and batting your eyes (which she did) and switching your hips (which she did) is distracting in ways that diminish your character and call into question every other woman's skill. But more importantly, you should demonstrate excellence and then make your "sparkling personality" a bonus instead of a bone for drooling men to chase. Her singing? Not quite excellent.

Thirdly, while I generally believe in the use-what-you-got-to-get-what-you-want philosophy, looks fade. Screaming "I'm half-naked, listen to me!" won't work for very long. I mean, really. Nearly every woman's got a pair of those things, so yours aren't that special. Heck, I've made food with mine!

So, why is it that we "don't show our bottoms"? One reason is because it's much harder to hear what you say when your body is screaming so loudly. Any professional knows that you have to show up with the goods--and then you won't have to show them.

Professor Non-Grata

When I heard in the university-wide faculty meeting that cuts in faculty and staff would have to be made, I thought it was horrible, but I also thought that it was kind of hypothetical and in the future. Well, I was out of town last week (in part, visiting The Diva and 'em) and there was a meeting that brought those cuts to vivid technicolor. Someone told me today that the numbers work out somewhere in the neighborhood of one in three. That number might also include staff members, but those are still not the kind of odds that help you sleep at night. That little factoid also gave some context to an email I received from a student which basically read, "Hope you stay around." At first glance, I thought I should call public safety, as that message seemed awfully threatening by itself. Now, though, I understand that students also met with administration and were told about the changes that will soon come. It's nice that at least one person in the university wants me around.

So, the hammer is supposed to fall this week. See how serious things are? It's the middle of the freakin' semester for crying out loud! I'm not really very worried for myself, but the air feels thick. I had to borrow an eraser from a colleague today and he told me that he got a little nervous when I knocked on his classroom door unexpectedly; was I coming to oust him and take over his class? What in the world?! as my girlfriend would say. This must be what it's like to be at a rose ceremony, hoping not to be voted off the island. OK, I mixed my references there, but I thought both were appropriate. There's an element of "pick me!" here right alongside the "Hey, I'm playing the game by the rules!" I find myself reviewing my academic and personal value to the department, trying to figure what my assets are and who might be in front of me in the sorry-about-your-luck-it-sucks-to-be-you line.

This economy has got to get better soon.

Overheard

I was in an undisclosed location the other day with three other women. Woman 1 was going on and on, rather loudly, about her ex-boyfriend and their daughter. Apparently, the father was not holding up his end of the parental bargain. She was venting about his failure to keep his committments in spending time, money, and energy parenting. And yet, he had plenty to say about the job the mother was doing. This was becoming a source of much discontent between the two. Woman 1 seemed fully aware of the detrimental effects of poor fathering on young girls and she was at her wits end about why he A) didn't simply do what he should be doing with his daughter, and B) didn't realize the horrible cycle he was setting up, possibly for the rest of her life.

Meanwhile, Woman 2 was on her cell phone having a woefully similar conversation about her husband and their two sons. They may be separating again. I think he's lost his job and is spiraling downward. Woman 2's assessment was that he had been a wonderful father (until now), although he was an off-and-on husband. Now, though, he was not meeting his parenting responsibilities consistently. Moreover, her conversation revealed, she had been the framer for their relationship all along. She had orchestrated his career path, cared for their children, and carried the burden of their living arrangements.

While these issues have been discussed to death lately, I rarely see discussions that address the need for young people to observe healthy couples. Without that information, choosing partners and planning a life is difficult. Is that the major issue, though? If we--communities, families, churches--stopped pretending that condoms, education, and responsibility are not important tools in the journey towards adulthood, would we make some progress? When we wish that people would "get it together", do they know what that means? So, how can either children or adults find out how to fix their personal problems unless they have a realistic standard? And, with the excess of single parent, dysfunctional families, how can most people intimately know that standard? Television isn't enough; it's manufactured and made for profit. Still, am I wrong in thinking that conflict resolution, communication, family planning, and decision making are tools that must be taught, not instinctively known?

Huh?

Okay, I have a son. I have the highest of hopes for him and for his life. Now, I can say that the sky is truly the limit (thanks President Obama; that's true for my daughter, too, by the way). Here's what I don't think I'll be needing, though--Rapper T.I. as messianic role model.

T.I. is performing 1000 hours of community service as part of a court mandate. In addition, he thought it wise to also film a reality show that will chronicle his activities before he serves a prison sentence. Here's what I don't understand: why would I want him talking to my children? What is he going to say? Of course, one of my major issues with rappers is that that refuse to pronouce the entire word when they speak. I know I'm from the South, but come on; we can manage to say most of the word most of the time. Aside from the way he speaks, though, is the question of exactly what he'll say and why anybody thinks he's going to scare children straight. Don't they think he's cool? And is this reality show really going to be part of his redemption? How?

What kind of fool do you think I am? He's trying to redeem his image so that somebody will buy CDs after he gets outta the joint.

I think this is ridiculous.