Briefly . . .

In all the reporting on the horror of Rick Warren's son taking his life, this was the most salient slip I heard, taken from one of Warren's sermons:

"God never wastes a hurt."

I so need that to be true. Can I get an "Amen"?

Resurrection

So . . . I've been gone awhile, and I thought that the season of resurrection is as good a time as any to renew, revive, and revisit my blogging self. I've been in a weird headspace, searching for pleasure in my life. My children are so clear about which activities bring them happiness. They swim and play sports and dabble in music, and the raw joy seeps out of their pores. They are so expressive that it's never hard to know what the giggles and happy dances mean. I had a conversation with a colleague, and we concluded that men also make no bones about what brings them pleasure. Whatever else is going on in the world, men make time and space for what they want to do. But for me--maybe it's that mom thing--I feel like a personal assistant, facilitating the lives around me and serving, serving, serving. When I thought about what I wanted to do and considered my options--learn a new skill? try a sport? join a group?--I could hardly even give a name to the kinds of things I like to do. And then I started to feel really pathetic.

As I've discussed to death, my career is on life support. I've been thinking about the 18 year old girl I used to be, and wondering if she'd be disappointed that I'm not all fabulous in the ways that she expected. After all, she imagined that at this point, we'd have a couple of books somewhere, and we'd be vacationing in cool, exciting places, and we'd have an impressive title. The Diva told me not to listen to her--she's young and knows nothing! All I can say is, "Sorry girl! I tried." It's just not turning out like we thought. And so, we probably--no, definitely--need to come up with an alternative plan to the bill of goods somebody sold us in graduate school about how this was going to work. We need to make some new connections and try some new projects so that we can travel a different road. One that might get us closer to that impressive title. And perhaps a vacation in Paris (hey--dreams are free, right?!) But more importantly, we need to feel pleasure. We need to be creative and focused in ways that have nothing to do with being someone's mommy or wife or instructor. A colleague suggested that blogging does that for her, so I'm making that my first step to a less depressed me.

I'm reading a devotional centered around the Lenten season. It's from the perspective of depression (the author is a scholar and minister who lives with bipolar disorder). One of the last entries I read was about how, for her, cycling helps her feel more human and full of life. How she knows that sadness rises up to suck her into an abyss, so she needs to be intentional about participating in her life. I don't have a diagnosed mental illness, but the cycle she mentions has been sapping me, too, in a way. It's been hard lately to keep myself from thinking about how much I suck, to remind myself that I've done some things that other people think are pretty great. I need to be intentional about meditating on the good, even while disappointment and fear and calamity threaten all around me. Otherwise . . . it's just too much.

So, returning to the blog is the first step. Another is to make some moves toward something tangibly good. I think I'm going to take a sewing class. I've been wanting to do that for years. And maybe I can go from there to learning to quilt, something else I always thought would be cool. And I think I'm going to take another swim class this summer, now that I've moved past my suspicion that my body won't float. I'll let you know how it goes!

Top Ten--2011

Top Ten Awesome Things about 2011:

1. The Crisis has made some progress in the right direction. And it's not nearly as bad as it could be.
2. Huge strides in my quest to get more publications under my belt.
3. My job is going really well, mostly, and I have opportunities that would probably not otherwise be available to me.
4. The Hubby and I have figured out a date-nigh/babysitting exchange with another family that has been really valuable.
5. The Babydoll and The Baby Boy are doing quite well in school and in extra-curricular activities.
6. Friends who had been wanting a baby for nearly five years, and who had a stillborn in the process, welcomed their beautiful, healthy son. A number of other friends also welcomed healthy babies into their families.
7. Finally had my bridal portrait framed, three years after I actually posed for it, and 10 years after I actually got married. (Of course, The Hubby cracked the glass in the process of giving it to me for Christmas, but, oh well.)
8. My hair is doing great. I'm learning to handle it in its unrelaxed state and I've had a very useful shift in my definitions of beauty. I feel sassy and I learned to swim (kind of)!
9. Regarding another crisis with family friends, one unrelated to the major crisis in my life, another year has passed that moves them closer to a resolution of a very bad thing.
10. The little world in my house is pretty good; my children are mostly unaffected by the horrible things that I know are going on and they are, I think, really and truly happy children who express their love for us and each other; my husband still loves me and I still love him. And I like him a lot of the time, too.

*And here's a bonus: I finished the awesome list much more quickly than the suck list.

Top Ten Sucktastic Things about 2011:

1. The Crisis will not freaking go away. It gets better, then randomly and unpredictably gets worse. And there's so little I can do about it.
2. The Crisis insists on sprouting branches, most of which I can barely do anything about.
3. We lost an elder in our family.
4. Still have friends who haven't yet been able to realize their dream of becoming parents.
5. Still not on anybody's tenure track.
6. Still having migraines, despite efforts to change my diet (although that's helped some) and I might need to switch medications again.
7. Something that I wanted to happen for a long time fell into my lap and then was snatched away. It still has not materialized in a successful way.
8. My faith is . . . challenged. And confused. But that might just be this week.
9. I missed a perfectly free Stevie Wonder appearance because I was at a conference.
10. Failed goals.

Use Your Words

So I'm working on my syllabi and assignments (well, not right now--right now I'm avoiding work and writing this post). I'm always excited about the narrative assignment. It is often the best writing from students and the most interesting. But sometimes it's hard to read because they disclose so many personal and painful stories that, eventually, I just felt like I couldn't handle it anymore. I want to solicit happier stories this time around, and I'm trying to figure out how to do that without literally saying, "Don't make me cry and freak me out, people!"

I also thought that maybe I would write my own response to the assignment so that they will have an example of what I want since I won't have a student example for this new assignment. I thought of a story that happened recently:

Not long after we moved into our new house, The Hubby was moving around boxes and exploring the nooks and crannies. He found a note from the original owners--yep! the family who lived here close to twenty years ago. It was a note from the mother to her daughter. It was a short expression on a cutesy sticky note. She wanted this young girl to know that her mother thought she was bright and loving--and loved. She told her that she was growing into a wonderful young woman (we figure the daughter must have been about ten or twelve years old) and that she (the mother) was having a fabulous time raising her.

I was crying as I thought about what that would have meant to a little girl. Actually, I'm crying right now as I'm writing this . . . . What a sweet gesture. It doesn't just express love. It's a seed of confidence and strength in a world that constantly tells girls that we're not enough, or too much, or wrong in some fundamental way. Who could this girl be, with a concrete reminder that in her home she was safe and valuable? Who could my daughter be, also raised in this house?

When we had our house blessing, I thought of the moments of joy and sadness and laughter that must have filled this home in the last decades. I imagined that the words of the blessing--peace, joy, comfort, safety--went out into each room and took root. This family wasn't the only one that lived here before we moved in; but I saw us as part of the history of this house. The house was in great condition and had clearly been well taken care of. I remember hoping that the people who lived here were also well taken care of.

What a beautiful example of the power of language! I really wish we could find these people and give that note to this girl, now a grown woman. And I wish we could see who she turned into.

New Year Plans

Love. Health. Peace. Kindness. Joy. Laughter. Quiet. Connection. Satisfaction. Intimacy. Protection. Freedom. Success. Dreams. Strength. Warmth. Giving. Sweetness. Openness. Love.

I wish all this for all of us, the world over. And more.

Happy New Year!

Random Bits of Holiday Goodness

Just as I'm hearing the bars slam shut on the grading jail that locks me in every semester, I'm feeling pretty good about a couple of things. That's impressive, I think, because I've been on Googling binges for a while, looking up people I used to know to see just how much more fabulous their lives and careers are than mine. Then I think about how suck I am. And how those people would think I was suck, too. And then I think about what my children will tell their therapists about me (because that's the logical next thought--right?) It's a horrible game. Worse than golf.

But I've had a few moments that interrupt the pity parties:

The Babydoll wanted to bring her lunch to school, so I packed one up for her (it was a Lunchable, but it counts!) I added an orange, but she called me at work the next morning to say that she had changed her mind about the orange because she wouldn't be able to peel it at school. BUT, she has an awesome mother, so her orange was already sliced and peeled and in a cute little container in the lunch box. She was thrilled!

I received promising news on a publication project that I've wanted to materialize for about 1000 years. I'm really hoping that it goes somewhere, but either way, this is the most interest anyone has shown in the project in all this time.

My students were completing evaluations sheets and asked if they really had to write down their answers because they didn't have a single critical thing to say. More than one said that this class changed their perspectives about writing and about themselves as writers. In addition, for the first time--ever, I think--most of the students followed documentation guidelines and didn't give me crazy, made-up crap that drives me nuts.

I made two desserts for two holiday parties and received raves on both!

Things are looking up!

Thankful Thursday--Creeping up on me again

Just when I start to feel dread because Christmas is coming. When I feel bogged down at the thought of all that shopping. When I get anxious thinking about all the work I need to stuff into the break from classes. When I feel dumbfounded because the entire year is almost over and I seemed to have accomplished so little. When I wonder if there can possibly be enough money to do all the things that come with the season. When cases of the "gimmes" begin to pop up with relentless energy.

Then.

I see Christmas lights on the house of someone who clearly isn't kidding around about decorating and who has the entire house and yard shining bright even as we are driving home from Thanksgiving dinner. And there is Christmas music on the radio, forcing its warm fuzziness all over me. And the games and conversation and food bring the family together and we are a whole, unbroken (rather large and loud) circle again. And the timeless story of divine love for humanity envelopes my children and me, too.

Just when I think I've outgrown the mystery and moved past the miracle . . . I am overwhelmed by the love, the hope, the God who literally goes to the ends of the Earth to find us and save us from ourselves. Just when I'm thinking of enumerating my list of complaints--

The only word that floods my mind is Thankful. Thankful. Thankful. Thankful. Thankful.

Taking a breather

I'm sitting my eerily quiet house. Alone. I'm crocheting for the first time in months. Had greasy pizza and cold soda for dinner. Will devour ice cream in a bit. Watched a movie from start to finish without having to stop it even once. Read a magazine.

Hubby will be back with the babies soon. Life is good.

Happy Mother's Day to me.

And to all of you. :)

And Then . . .

Just as I'm getting riled up into a good vent about my annoying students (one of whom told me that I use the word "annoyed" an awful lot) one of them shows up today to bring a gift to me. She's one of the ones who totally gets it--she's bright and hard working and sure of herself without being closed to suggestions. She wanted to thank me for writing a string of rec letters and helping with a couple of other opportunities. She's really a wonderful student and genuinely nice person, so I truly hope that she is successful with every position she's going for.

That meant the world to me.

Thanks again today

So, after positive feedback from students the other day, I had a class observation today and the feedback was very useful and positive. I really feel like I'm getting better and better at this job, becoming more effective. Clearly, there are things to work on, but there are more days when I feel like I'm not just droning on to my own nerdy self. Thanks, God and God's universe, for more affirmation that this work is meaningful. And that my efforts are not (always) invisible.

This, AND, a neighbor in my new neighborhood is bringing us cheesecake this weekend! Yippee!

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful that 2009 is (almost) over.

I am thankful that 2009 left me and my family only a little bruised instead of done for.

I am thankful that 2010 will bring joy, peace, health, and prosperity.

Happy New Year!

Thankful Thursday

Today I am grateful for abundance.

We've seen the pediatrician twice in as many weeks and took note of a "coats for kids" box that sat, empty, in the corner. After the second visit, I decided to get serious about the value lessons I want to permeate my children's lives. I went home and pulled out all of the coats that were too small for them. I realized that those coats represent just how much we have, whether we deserve it or not. Some of them were purchased by eager family members, but we also received a huge bag of coats from a former co-worker of Hubby's; from the looks of it, they used to live in Antarctica. There were light jackets, windbreakers, heavy lined coats, super-duper coats with hoods--a coat for every level and type of cold or wind you can think of, some in duplicate sizes. All in perfectly good condition. And we got them for free.

When we saw the box, I explained to the children, The Babydoll especially since she's older, that some children don't have everything they need and that God wants us to share. That it's good to give gifts, particularly at Christmas just like the Wise Men in the Christmas book we read. (Later we were talking about the Baby Jesus and she asked how old he was when he's all grown up and in the sun--that seems to be the way she's explained heaven to herself--I didn't know how to enumerate it for someone who can only count to 100) Anyway, they seemed to like the idea of helping, and we prayed over the coats to ask blessings for the children who would receive them. It was good stuff. They have probably already forgotten the whole situation, but it was good stuff for me.

Anyway, I'm thankful today for having way more than I need and for being able to care for my children, and for the opportunity (and the inclination) to help my children be more like the people they are created to be.

AND I'm so, so, so, so, so, so grateful for more good news that The Crisis is moving in the right direction.

And it's only Tuesday . . .

Went on campus to get "oriented" to my new gig. Let me tell you: This is going to be great!

Two years ago I was in labor. Birthdays are MUCH more fun! Baby boy loves his gifts, too! (He thinks the bowling set is a soccer ball, but still.)

And that "Crisis"? Well, we are beating down this evil thing! I'm claiming it now (to quote my daughter): We win! You lose!

Good

In my endless self-reflection I'm realizing that when things are sliding downhill for me, I just have to let somebody (everybody?) know.

Now, signs are pointing towards heaven again--I guess they always were, huh?--and I'm trying to get better at letting everybody know that, too.

So, today I believe that good stuff will materialize.

Just thought I'd share.

Hot, Steaming Bowl of Crap

In the interest of not totally falling off the blogosphere, here's a quick post.

The last seven days have dropped an out-of-freaking-nowhere bomb in my life and I'm not sure how long it's going to interrupt what has been a pretty happy life. I'm struggling to "praise God anyhow" (as Baptists like to say), but I'm hopeful. Life has dealt us a big ole bowl of illogical, poopy, crap. But I'm grateful for so much happiness in the middle of a not great situation. And I know that I don't deserve the enormous good I've been given anymore than I deserve the bad. And I know that if God wasn't bigger than this, I wouldn't be a worshipper.

I'm Feeling Good

So, here are the details of the my new job.

I'll be at a nearby college to which I have close ties. I am so fortunate because I've been allowed to choose courses and class times. Essentially, I'll be able to do almost exactly what I was doing before, with a similar schedule and classes that I think I have a good grip on. And I know and hear only good things (well, almost only good things) about these students. I'm so excited. I think this will be good for me and that I'll enjoy it. The summer has a whole new vibe now. I'm going to crochet and read and plan for these classes and run around with my children.

I feel really blessed. What a turnaround, huh? I wanted to be like Paul--content in whatever state I'm in, whether in plenty or in want. Clearly, I didn't do so well with that, but God is patient with me. And merciful (Somehow my husband and I miscommunicated last weekend at a busy state park food court and left my son sleeping in the stroller while I took my daughter to the bathroom and he went to the bathroom himself. We both thought the other was staying with the stroller and turned our backs. We left him. Alone. It's so scary and dangerous I can't even think about it. Too awful. I'm about to cry. Back to feeling good).

Another dismissed colleague secured a wonderfully perfect-for-him position doing exactly what he wanted and being paid much more than before. And friends of ours just bought a house in a great part of the city.

And spring has finally sprung around here. This time of year, the South is exactly where I want to be. It's so beautiful outside and the air is warm without the oppressive heat that I know is coming.

Happy, happy, joy, joy.